There are days, like this one, when I feel as though I’m more comfortable dealing with the next world than with this one. Point of fact: I’m not totally here anymore. It’s already true. I’m partly here and partly trying to chase after Lisa into the next world. I keep hearing her in dream and memory; she isn’t completely gone. Some of her friends will understand her habit of walking ahead of people when she was intent on getting somewhere. As I began to have more physical problems, she began to realize she couldn’t always do that because I’d never get where we were going. But she could use that habit as a weapon. Say she was mad at you while you and she were walking somewhere. She wanted to demonstrate how thoroughly pissed off she was. She’d start walking ahead of you so that no matter what you were saying or trying to say, she wasn’t going to be there to hear it, and that, sports fans, was that.
She’s just walking out ahead of me again. That’s all.
One day I’ll catch up. Just not yet. As most of you know, the health situation hasn’t been good for decades and to be honest I always believed I would predecease a woman seven years younger than myself. I never but never thought this could possibly happen. I would’ve lost my ass in Vegas over that bet.
She’s just waiting, hanging out. That’s all. We have time. There’s no rush.
So now I try to fill the days and begin to orchestrate strategies for living. I have learned this much: If you’re going to survive, you must begin to learn a modicum of—not selfishness but awareness that you must also be a good self-steward. Don’t be selfish (it’s been my experience that widowhood-X-2 makes me less selfish and more considerate, for some reason), and don’t be cold. Also, don’t withhold your talents. When you’re ready, slowly test the waters first, then go where it seems safest.
That pool is the world.