Open Letter to Ted Nugent

Hi, Ted.

I’m John. I’ve heard your music for decades. I have one or twelve things to say about you.

“I’ve got some buddies.” Now, Ted, I need to tell you something very serious: That is seditious language. You can go to jail forever because of it. I think you’ll agree that this is rather serious. After all, what if I’d said just after George W. Bush’s re-election that I wanted his death? I didn’t then, still don’t, never will. I don’t like rolling that way, although clearly you do. You don’t care who you want killed, so long as you het to kill somebody.

So go fuck yourself, Ted.

Yeah. I said it.

Ted, Nuge, listen: nobody is coming after your guns. Why would anyone consider the idea? You’re a crazy person putting down animals large and small in Michigan while muttering -isms of all kinds, I am certain. Why does anyone care about you unless they trespass? Your music? You haven’t done shit since “Journey to the Center of the Mind,” a song I bet you don’t like today considering its drug-infused nature. You played better then, by the way. I’m just saying.

So: Aside from your nostalgia tours (and that is all they are at this point; I mean, aren’t your clothing and stage stances better fit for, shall we say, a younger man?), I get it: you have nothing else with which to keep you in the cultural mind, and so you glommed onto the gun debate.


Then there’s the paranoia. There are drugs for that now.

To reiterate: If I’d have said during Bush/Cheney that we needed armed revolt, I’d have expected to go to jail and thereafter be thrown somewhere far beneath it. Oh, and by the way, unlike you I did serve in the military. You dodged. You fucking coward. Period. You never stepped up to the table and took your chances. You remind me of Dick Cheney, you piece of shit.

Yeah. I said it.

It’s amazing to me you haven’t received more than a visit from the FBI. Frankly, much of your problem is you actually imagine the scary black President walking into your house to take all your guns. I imagine they’d need lots of people for that job, but never mind.

As I say, that will never happen.

People like you always cower toward the Second Amendment, but you always forget what else it says. You know: that “well-regulated militia” part. Let’s break that down, Ted. It means, if you’re a Scalia constructionist about the Constitution, that if you want to have the munitions you want, you need to join a militia. The Guard/Reserves would be two options.

But then: Oh, I forget: You’re a draft dodger. I served. Why not you?

What would you want next? AWACS? Nuclear weapons? Drones? Where does it end for you?

The fact is, you’re a media whore who dreads becoming irrelevant. Listen: I’m going to tell you how you’ve become irrelevant. You haven’t done anything as a musician in so long, few people remember or care. So why not find yourself an issue that could in some way renew your personal “brand”?

Pitiful. Fucking, fucking pitiful.

Finally, Ted, I want to wish you well in the madness you’re enduring. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone still alive. Trust me.

I count you among the mad, Ted. Go therefore into the ignominy you so greatly deserve.


About johnwylam1957

I'm a poet and teacher now living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
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