Returning to the First-Person Singular

I was working on my journal today, and found myself using the first-person singular. At first, it felt wrong. There was a name missing. It seemed Lisa was among the missing.

Then something dawned on me: somebody else had been missing, too.

After she died,  I went into a depressive cycle that at the time I thought was the worst thing I’d ever felt. Then came the exclusion order. That, I thought, was beyond the pale. This was the surreal come true. I don’t mind admitting these things; they’re true, firstly, and now I’m arriving at (HOPEFULLY) the other end of all this. We shall see.

I had in effect lost myself. As Facebook friends remind me, the disappearing act started a long time ago now. This is going to end. It has to.

In racing, drivers often don’t use the first-person singular. Dale Earnhardt Sr. was one of those who believed so much in the idea of a team that nothing he did was a solo act. I always felt that way with Lisa. If I wrote a halfway-decent poem, I knew it was because she was in the room, or she said something that kickstarted a revision, something. Oh, she’s still with me, be sure.

But it’s never just me. And it never will be.


About johnwylam1957

I'm a poet and teacher now living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
This entry was posted in Life "After", On Lisa's Death: Trying to Survive the Unsurvivable and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Returning to the First-Person Singular

  1. John, I was one of Lisa’s high-school English teachers years ago here in Tennessee. Recently while going though some old files, I came across some of her work which you might like to have. I would very much like to hear from you. I also left you a message on Facebook, and that might be the easiest way to reach me initially. Most sincerely, Richard Daugherty

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